Get it out Get it down

I am so glad I did this class next, it really flowed on nicely from the work I have been doing already in 21 secrets. When I signed up to the program I really didn’t know what to expect and I really didn’t think I would be doing work which touched me on such a personal level. I saw that other people had followed Connie’s lead and drew a face and I thought that was really fitting because in this page my intention was to get out all of that ‘stuff’ that was holding me back from what I want to be doing in life. The lady on the page is me, a free and ‘stuff free’ me! The letter writing was great and I filled up a whole page in minutes. I used a few pieces of the letter, but have decided to burn most of it to really just get it out. I am waiting for a full moon to burn my letter, I am not sure why, but it seems more exciting that way!

18 classes to go!

I am magic

For this page I wanted to do something which was intentionally messy, something I had no control over, to try and get over my need for perfect page. I wet the paper and then dropped coloured water on the pages. The one with the words ran together and took ages to dry, but luckily didn’t go through the other pages. Looking back at the words that I put on the page I think they really reflect who I am as a person. The one set of words which really stand out for me is ‘no turning back’. I really feel like I am at a stage in life that I can let go of the past and just move forwards. There is no longer any point to wallowing in the past (really this only has very little use at all) and I WANT to move forward without looking back. I love the bright colours of this page and I drew myself in gold pen because it was such a sunny day here in Australia and it felt golden.  

The Secret of Beginning

This class seemed the obvious place for a newbie like me to start. I feel strange saying this as an Art Therapist, but I really have no idea about the technical aspects of ‘making’ art. Seriously – I had no idea what Gesso was (and yes it is super fun to use!). This class also brought up the anxiety I have around creating and my own expectations on myself. The problem I found throughout my entire Art Therapy course was that I never fully gave myself to a process because I was always thinking about what I would produce, how it would look, what would people think? Ridiculous I know, nobody has to see this unless I show them, but then my expectations are so high and I am so hard on myself that the anxiety comes up again.

I am embarrassed to say that I started this page and was so unhappy with it that I tore it out and started again. I knew all I had to do was let it dry and cover it over (perhaps with Gesso!) and start again, but in a mirror of my life I tore it out and threw it away. Isn’t if funny when you see a personal trait in your journaling? I often find that things sneak up in journaling and then hit you in the head when you least expect it! I wanted to set the intention for this page as one that would carry me throughout all 21 classes, I really thought about what I wanted out of this experience and then realised the intention had been given to me. I friend had some cards and I choose one a few weeks ago which said “Clear within”. Fitting right!

This page really hit home that I need to stop placing these unrealistic expectations on myself and to let things out. That this journal is an opportunity for me to work through the things that are holding me back from greatness, from being awesome!

I decided to do another page to look deeper into why I hold myself back. I used my Art Therapy techniques for this one so I could work intuitively and not from my head space. What come from the process is a deep fear that if I try something and fail people will know about it, so I use that reasoning to not try new things. This blog has come from this page. I have never blogged, always wanted to, but held myself back.

20 classes to go!